To be very clear, all mascots are terrifying. A lion with thumbs and the ability to walk on two legs? Apex predator. A sentient train with a soccer ball face? Apex predator. A human-sized snake with arms? Cool guy. Also, an apex predator. Any oversized animal or anthropomorphic inanimate object that appears to have a grasp of human entertainment values and languages while saying no words itself is plotting, planning and waiting. For what? Probably to play the most dangerous game. Or to like, I don’t know, overcharge to show up at your nephew’s birthday party. Either way, a threat.
But since I technically can’t assume too much more about their motives without being sued for what someone told me is called “libel”, we need to operate the rest of the way believing that the mascots are operating in good faith. Here to do nothing more than entertain us.
That being said, they still frighten me. And since we’re deep into an international break, starving in a desert of content, the powers that be have let me rank the mascots in MLS I’m personally most frightened by.
I’ve done extensive research here. For a couple of weeks now, I’ve had a Google doc open entitled “MLS Mascot Pics (not weird)” and I’ve been assessing the minute details of every known MLS mascot. Though the differences separating them are marginal at best, I believe I’ve come up with a definitive top five.
HOWEVER. I want to be very, very, very clear here. Nothing. Nothing. Haunted me like this grainy found footage of an unofficial mascot supporting the New York Red Bulls.